We handle
Customer Service
so you don't have to.

We are efficient, reliable and stubborn swearing sailors that will go through customer support bullshit on your behalf, saving you lots of aspirin and time.

How it Works

You tell us which assholes talk to, what you need resolved, and any other relevant info (order #, case # etc.).

We send our smartest and sweariest to call/chat/email with those assholes.

We contact you only once the anal cavities echo back to us that the issue is resolved.

Benefits

No waiting on hold.

The average sheep will spend 43 days on hold in their lifetime.
Don't be a sheep.

Escaping the interdepartmental transfer blackhole.

Shitty customer service tends to shift responsibility, sometimes causing infinite loops of transfers between departments.
Good thing our swearing sailors understand astronavigation (with enough rum).

Consistent following-up.

Like your spouse with the mistake you made two decades ago, we make sure companies can't ignore or forget about your case.

Reestablishing the facts to every new agent.

Many times you have to start with a fresh pile of shit when you're transferred to new representatives. We save you the frustration of needing to repeat the same bullshit over-and-over again, because once we've set sail, we don't turn back.

Using cheat-codes to quickly get past the initial scripts.

Robot menus, and common troubleshooting questions can be a lot of unnecessary bullshit. We know how to maneuver these dung piles in the most efficient possible manner—thanks to our experience in dealing with so damn much of it.

Pricing

Time is your most valuable asset, don't squander it on banal talks with assholes. Let us!

Features

We lose money if your case takes long—that's how we keep ourselves efficient.
Set a smart budget so cases don't go over what they're worth to you.
Chat/call/email logs so you may see how your bullshit was resolved.

0-1 hours	1-2 hours	2+ hours
$20	$35	$12.50/hour

Additional Services

Make borderline innappropriate jokes with them	$5
Tell them wandering and irrelevant tales of the sea	$10
Place them on hold with Rick Astley’s #1 hit song	$10
Try to argue like mom to get something free out of it	$20

FAQs

But aren’t you just another form of customer support?

Customer service is our primary business. That’s why we, unlike other companies, are incentivized to treat it seriously and not like an extraneous cost that needs to be minimized.

Will my info be kept private?

Extra sensitive info like credit card numbers and last digits of SSNs are kept encrypted and separated from the rest of your inquiry. When we need to use this info, we automatically transmit the information to the relevant customer service, without revealing it to people on our end.

See our privacy policy for more details.

Is this real?

'murica

When will this be a thing?

We are gauging interest, and if enough people sign up, it will become a real thing! Sign up for updates and early access!

I’m rolling in dough, may I invest?

Maybe. Email us.

You Talk To Them